Why you never get over a soulmate.

The ongoing conversation.

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It’s been years. I thought I was over him. You know, closure. Then I saw him the other night across the parking lot and now I can’t stop thinking about him.

She was everything to me. Do you think she’d want me back after I get divorced?

He was such an ass. I can’t believe I loved him so much — but we had a connection years ago. I can’t explain it. I mean, I love my boyfriend now but I still think about him.

These are a few of the many questions I hear in session. Unless they’ve read my books about my soulmate here, here and here (basically all of them), clients who struggle over a soulmate are drawn to me — because they instinctively know that I understand.

Oh, do I understand.

First, let’s get the nitty-gritty out of the way. I see soulmate in terms as someone who changes you in a fundamental way — a lightning strike. You once existed as this; now you are not. When you meet, your life will never be the same. You may not even like them right away but there is a magnetic pull that happens.

Irresistible, instinctual and inevitable.

Your life might look the same after you meet, especially if married - but a soulmate’s lesson reverberates years on. Often it can be a powerful sexual connection but it’s not limited to that. A friend, sibling, challenging child, mentor or spouse (rare) are a few examples of what a soulmate can be. Not everyone has a soulmate on Earth in every lifetime.

We have many teachers — but one soulmate. Argue if you must.

Either way, when your soulmate comes around — prepare for change.

You may have different definitions of soulmates. Sweet. I’ve heard all kinds of explanations that are fascinating to consider. I mean, everything is just one big story here in the attempt to make sense of life.

One story because we are one consciousness. I am you, you are me — yet for the sake of this earthly existence and the romantic hearts reading this, I’m gonna go with my definition of a person who goes beyond all others. The one with whom you resonate, whether you spent 10 minutes or 50 years together. Despite what pain you may have meted out or received, you still trust them in your core, even if not in your human heart!

If you’ve had this experience, you understand. You don’t need to be convinced. Soulmates bring the pain like no other. They also offer transcendence.

Clients who come for a session about their soulmate often ask: When it will end? (Never.) How many years until I feel closure? (Never.) Will we meet again? (Yes.) Why won’t they reach out to me? (Various reasons.) Why do I keep thinking about them? (Because they think about you.) Why do we keep running into each other? (Unfinished business and you miss each other.)

These are clients of varying ages, wealth and status but with the same question: Do they still think about me? (Yes.) Do they love me? (Yes.)

They are often embarrassed to ask, especially the ones who “have it all” — as if it is selfish to persist in this question. They are angry that they haven’t gotten over them. They think it’s a failure to have this deep sense of unfinished business about their soulmate. They’re angry over an unfulfilling marriage or that their soulmate has (wisely) stayed away.

Yet they’ve also gone to therapy, found new friends, started to pray, told the truth about their marriage. They’ve renewed their partnership, gotten divorced, dated other people, embraced a newfound sexuality. They have deeper insight. They’ve branched out in their creativity and trust themselves in a way they didn’t before. They’ve gone back to school, entered a new career, started a business. They’ve pulled up stakes and moved to another life, another town, another experience. They appreciate and love in a greater way. They now understand their experience with their soulmate because they were blind and stubborn in earlier times and chose to hurt them, instead.

Perhaps they had to sacrifice their soulmate to finally ask: What is it that I want? and found the courage to DO it.

You can thank your soulmate for that.

Soulmates show up at the right time — often to say, WTF are you doing? Wake up! Admit what you want. Stop lying and tell the truth! Get away from someone like me! Or . . . open your heart to someone like me!

They can often be the complete opposite of us, symbolizing what we haven’t embraced in ourselves, such as a sense of freedom, joy, desire, deep love, ease, sex, stability, wealth.

Soulmates don’t “complete” us. They are a mirror to what we need to embrace in ourselves, whether we decide to stay, leave for good or connect again. You will never forget them. It’s just not part of the deal! They are you.

Soulmates travel a road together for eons while meeting up as humans in various lifetimes. When they leave through choice or physical death, we can often feel incomplete because they are our long ago friend and it hurts, though our soul knows that they are not gone. We are eternally connected — but try to convince the human who is still working out the lessons of that connection.

The simple truth is that we learn to live around the missing of them while we continue to explore other relationships and experiences before we meet again.