Why is it so hard to meditate and easier to shop on Amazon?

I contain multitudes of monkeys.

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Today’s meditation a.k.a. slow that shit down. Clock set for 20 minutes (ambitious, that.)

First five minutes: go upstairs, futz with cushion, get up to kiss and pet spoiled cat in her private en suite, return to cushion, settle.

Next five minutes: My shoulder kinda hurts. I’m hot. Need to stretch. Let’s do yoga later. My ankle presses too hard on the floor. Floor’s too hard. My hips are tight. Yoga. It’s sunny — yea! No, close eyes. Go within. Man, my heart is beating hard — coffee, yum. Coffee!! Maybe I’ll have another cup. What about those levitating monks? Relax. They can slow their hearts. Is it beating too hard? I’m cold. I’m gonna bake some bread. My shoulder hurts. Switch legs. Need to do some hip openers. Is my computer working? Did I turn on the timer? I need to sweep the house. Ugh. Maybe I’ll watch that renunciate on YT and then those lesbian weddings later. Relax.

In praise of relaxation...

Next five minutes: Okay, heart’s slowing. This is gonna be a great Substack post. Man, that sun feels good. I need to sweep the house when she goes outside. So cute when she snores. Here come the crows. That fridge is so loud. God, what a life that cat has. My back is tight. Relax. Sit up more. Why do I have to sit cross legged anyway? I’m not religious. Maybe I should become a Buddhist. Nah. That ceiling fan is so loud. Relax. That moon was awesome. What did I love doing being 4 and 7? Good advice from Marisa.

Last four minutes: Why the hell did I set the timer for 20 minutes? Did I start the timer? Nothing lasts forever. Ugh. Relax. Need to clean the house. Thank god for yoga. Nothing last forever. When is that timer going to go off?

Last minute: ________________.