Call yourself home.
Why even the “uber-successful” are still lonely.
I’ve gone on a deep dive (still diving) into my religious past. For those of you aren’t aware, I was a “born-again” Christian, raised in a fundamentalist church. It was all Christ, all the time — and I was all in.
But is that God true?
Fundamentalists think of themselves as horrible sinners, unworthy of pleasure and if you’re a woman, you have the added bonus of being the problem that started it all.
The common mantra in the evangelical church was that you’re a sinful creature, saved by grace and if you think of yourself as an amazing person, it’s the sin of pride.
Quite frankly, it was easier to pray to God than develop a positive voice towards myself.
I made a commitment to examine my beliefs about Christianity. No blame on my parents and former church. It’s me as an adult woman, taking responsibility and not leaning on my indoctrinated past. I’m coming at my faith as if I never heard of Christianity and ask if I still believe it — and why.
Do I believe in God? Jesus? Salvation?
Or is it all a myth?
I have the strength to do this now because of the years I’ve spent healing myself. Talk about an exercise in faith!
Until I could heal the way I spoke to myself on the daily, there wasn’t going to be a connection to my Creator, unless it was some form of begging. That’s not friendship — it’s slavery. Impossible to love the Creator when you hate the creation.
I have clients with enormous success in this world. You name it; they’ve got it — or soon will. Yet many have pieces of themselves scattered in a traumatized past, waiting to be brought home. It doesn’t matter how much money or play or media they have – those voices continue to haunt them.
I’m not good enough. Why did she abandon me? I’m ugly. Fat. Disgusting. I don’t deserve this. If only they knew who I truly am. I’m so lonely. So lonely. I don’t trust anyone. I can’t let anyone in. What is the point of it all?
We talk about how to gather those parts back – the true union before any other — and learn to speak as if we were the mother who abandoned us, the boyfriend who left or hasn’t arrived, the God we never understood. Until that voice is healed, there won’t be true satisfaction in this world — and I daresay in a relationship with God, our Creator.
Until we can speak to this glorious being we carry around every day in love — as if she is our very best, most loyal friend — all other relationships, money and worldly success will be empty and abandon us when we die.
Start here: I see you. I will never abandon you. Never! I’m sorry he treated you that way — but I won’t let anyone speak/touch/harrass/hurt you like that again. I’ve got you. You are amazing. I love who you’ve become. You are incredible. So beautiful! So powerful! I’m so proud of you. So, so proud of you. We’re in this together. I’ll never leave you behind again. I’m sorry that I forgot/ignored/was ashamed of you. I love you — every bit! You are an amazing body. You’ve kept me safe, warm and healed. You always look out for me — thank you. I love going on this trip with you — and we’ll be strong to the very end.
You might ask: why the ”we”? Why not stay with ”I”?
Healing the voice is letting the strongest part of you — the wise, eternal you — speak to the human you. The many variations of you at different times and ages, especially the ones you’d rather leave behind. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. We become a broken self and then wonder why we can’t sleep without pills, have anxiety attacks or walk around with a pervasive, lonely anger. We blame our parents for fucking us up or that girlfriend who smashed our heart and never took responsibility for the damage. We blame the government and wonder when we’ll ever find the person who really, really understands us.
You’ve got that person. She’s staring at you in the mirror; that beautiful, glorious creation, waiting for you speak to her in love. Waiting for you to say It’s okay, I’ve got you now and I’ll never let go. When you do, watch what changes. Feel the strength when you say those words. Release the tears that become sickness if you ignore them.
Remember who you are, child of God.
Beautiful. Are you familiar with IFS? Your experience you describe reminds me of it very much.