The new spirituality is no spirituality.
At home with myself.
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A dear friend called yesterday. I was going to ring on Xmas but did think about you — and I was so mad! I thought, Raven is chilling on her couch right now, eating great food and watching football. Man, I just wanted to transport myself out of my crazy family and hang with you and a glass of wine!
Indeed I was, watching the Chiefs throw the game while eating a fabulous pot roast. I laughed with her. That’s what you get for having kids.
I enjoy being nomadic but also love home. But what is home?
As mentioned in a previous post, I’ve spent time really examining whether I truly love and accept myself — or just spout things in a Substack. Sure, I could be in a hut on some endless Vipassana (no thanks) — but have a business to run and my “real life” is real enough, especially living in a culture completely new and different from any other I’ve experienced in my extensive travels. I love the challenge and joy of (re) creation — but really, people are people anywhere you go and the old adage, Wherever you go, there you are rings true.
Being at home with myself gives time to ask, What home do I wish to have now? Next year? When I’m with my partner? What does it feel like? Where?
I gave myself permission to change locations — and received the gift of a book.
I didn’t purposefully set out and say spend time for X amount of days — but needed a change. I was bored. Outlived where I was. I needed warmth, new people and new stories. It’s very difficult to up and move — my Venus is in Cancer (aka love being a homebody) but my artist requires inspiration. That doesn't mean sell my possessions and live in an RV — but give my brain new images to understand myself in a greater way. Sometimes this translates into a book.
I didn’t expect one to arrive — but it did. A title dropped into my mind while working in the garden and this present landscape will be the nucleus of the story, though I’ll reside in a different state by the time my book is published — probably end of 2024 but we’ll see.
I give myself permission to temporarily be alone, not make new friends and stay away from family.
No one else is going to grant you permission to do anything, so if you’re waiting . . . you’ll keep doing so until death, wallowing in some martyr complex. You have to decide for yourself, despite internal judgements which will externalize as assholes telling you what to do in their attempts to control you. Many, many people will be more than happy to control you, if you let them.
But let me tell you a truth: an abusive parent, sibling or partner will not change. Ever. They showed their true colors when you were most vulnerable. You think they’ll change now? It reminds me of a friend who didn’t want to hire a lawyer during her divorce, thinking that the communication skills lacking in their marriage would magically appear in mediation (*she hired a lawyer).
Abusers will only grow more intractable with age (no excuse) and if you give them the opportunity out of religious guilt or misguided hope, they will extract your energy like an electrical outlet to continue living at your expense. I’ve seen it over and over in reads, my life and those of friends.
Only you can say NO. Never again — nor will I submit my children to this.
Be forewarned. Your human life is precious and limited. Tick tock.
I give myself permission to release my fundamentalist past and have no spirituality.
You may think that means I’m an atheist — but quite the contrary. I understand the human mind scrabbles for definition where none can be found and that includes “God”. I say “God” or “Goddess” or “Wisdom” but those are just names for the ineffable — and I’m more interested in exploring the country beyond names.
I gave myself permission to leave a relationship that would have brought enormous wealth.
The other night, I dreamed about an ex — no surprise, in Mercury Rx — one of those cool, parallel reality dreams. She was about to break up with me (in “reality”, I broke up with her) but we were friendly because I was aware of the future, unlike the emotional devastation during that time. I said, Hey, I already know who you’ll be with after me — and you’ll be married and together for 20-30 years! Want to know her name? She smiled but declined the offer.
I thought about us at breakfast and how my life would have been so different with her. At the time, I was headed straight for an emotional breakdown / spiritual breakthrough and deeply knew that I wasn’t the right person for her. However, I could have pushed that intuition aside and stayed. We lived together and she absolutely didn’t want to split and did her best to heal the relationship.
She was a humble and easygoing person, but held a very high-powered, six-figure job on Wall St while pursuing her Ph.D. We lived in the City and she was eager to invest in a home. As a last-ditch effort to keep us together, we toured various places. A sprawling mansion in Staten Island near the ferry. A six bedroom apartment, one block from the Brooklyn Museum/Botanical Gardens. Brownstones, et. al.
I had it made. Didn’t have to work. I could do art/write or whatever I wished. She would’ve given me the world if I had stayed. Add on my teaching career in the ‘burbs and we would have enormous wealth now.
Instead, I took off for the West Coast with another woman at my side. Not my finest moment — but that future she offered was meant for someone else. As painful as it was for us both, my ex soon bought an apartment building that is now worth millions in the City, retiring at 40 and living with her wife of 20+ years.
The path missed. Or was it?
I give myself permission to feel human emotion without spiritualizing it away.
I may have had a chill holiday but that doesn’t mean life is perfect with no worries. I’ve had a very tough 3rd quarter with Shivaya Wellness and most certainly people are not spending discretionary income like the last three years. Now, I’ve been in the game nearly 20 years so my brain knows that clients will increase but often it is like climbing up a muddy hill, this entrepreneurial life. Very tough. Very stressful. I’ve had moments of worry that rivaled some of the earliest days of my business while also aware that the Wheel turns. Always.
A visionary I watched on YT this summer said that karmically, healers will face every fear that lingers in the shadows of our psyche. We have to face it and walk through for ascension. This can apply to society in general — plenty of examples there — but this last quarter has held up a mirror to many 1st chakra fears with which I grapple. Being alone does two things: enhances the fear and also provides a solid opportunity to sit and explore why. Am I blocked? Do I need another job? Do I need a rest, as inconvenient as that might be? What is the future of Shivaya Wellness? Do I still want to do psychic work? What do I want?
I’ve sat with myself — and my higher wisdom/Self — and asked those questions, using my pendulum, facing my fears. An earlier self would have quickly gone to self-incrimination (I’m not doing enough, something is wrong, I have to change things, pivot! pivot!) but this time, I’ve chosen to sit with the discomfort. I know it’s temporary. I know the greater chess board to some extent — but still allow myself to feel whatever it is that comes up. What’s the point of being human, otherwise? Why did I bother to come here, anyway? This time is so valuable in ways far beyond money and business. I am adaptable, flexible and smart — plus, I’ve lived through much worse in business.
Everyone gets a turn. Everyone. There is no avoiding the Wheel of Fortune, even if you are a multi-millionaire. It is what it is — and it will change. In the meantime, you shrug, give yourself permission to cook a pot roast, chill on the couch and watch the Chiefs throw a game.