The inside is your outside.

Grieving my first "adulting" girlfriend.

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Since what is your inside is your outside/And the one who shapes your outside is he who shaped your inside/And what you see on the outside, you see revealed on the inside/It is your clothing — The Thunder: Perfect Mind

My first girlfriend — my first, true ”adulting” relationship — died a year ago. I learned the hard way not to sniff online where I’m not invited, yet I thought of a funny little thing she did that both annoyed and made me laugh. We hadn’t spoken in years, so I typed her name, expecting to see accolades and a wedding announcement. I found those, a stunning eulogy and a picture of a woman I barely recognized, except for the smile and those lovely dimples. It took me a moment — but was her.

I started to cry — and grieved for days.

She would probably be surprised by my reaction; we certainly had good times but neither one of us would claim that we were the great loves. She was difficult and needy; I was tempestuous and riddled with anxiety as I peeked out of the closet. Ah, the good times of the 20s!

One of the main comments people left on her Legacy page - I can’t believe I’m even writing that — is that she had a heart of gold. A good heart. A kind heart. One who welcomed those who felt unwelcome. Sweet. Witty. Sparkling dinner parties. A sharp and insightful mind.

All of it is true.

She was so young.

Even I was surprised by my reaction because I have no regrets or wish that we’d stayed in touch. She found happiness with someone else and I’ve carved out a wonderful life full of adventure and beauty. Yet I allowed myself to cry and grieve, even if I didn’t completely understand the reasons.

We once loved each other. That was enough.

She helped me see what was possible. A real love with a real woman; imperfect and at times dramatic but a soft place to land.

We talked writing and books. We watched Graf and Seles and Sabatini battle it out, live at the Open. She helped me become the foodie I am as we explored the City. She sang, laughed and brought out my silly side. With all of my traumas, I could have ended up with a real lunatic who destroyed my heart further, as I had just left the church and didn’t know how to ”lesbian”.

Instead, I found her. Thank the Goddess for that.

I didn’t need her for a lifetime. Just that particular moment to find my courage and then let her / us go.

If indeed our insides match our outsides, then she stepped into a wondrous paradise (my cards confirm that vision) and I made sure to spend time thanking her for everything she brought to my life. I could not have said these words back then for lack of experience and knowledge; yet I know her spirit heard me in her particular dimension.

She appeared in a dream this year — young and full of life — with a gold necklace that she clasped around my skin, the tiny diamond nestling between my collarbones. The perfect gift. It was later in the week that I realized she arrived on her birthday, both of us saying goodbye, though we’ll always be connected on some level as we continue on.

Perhaps every love is the great love because of the treasures we offer, even if we can’t fully appreciate them at the time.

It’s the gift of love that has no expiration, even when the body is gone. It makes me happy that she had a full life and helped refugees because it brought her joy. She was greatly loved because she is love, as we all are and have always been.