Once you vanquish the monster, you're free.
I'll keep my dragon, though.
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All of us live with a monster inside. Someone we’ve feared or avoided for years but they still exist, dictating our steps, threat ever present. Punishment. Disapproval. Reaction. Dismissal. Harm. Denigration. Disownment. The relationship we had with them continues to play out in our friendships, self-worth, marriages, relationship to “God”, power structures at work, negotiations and pleasure.
You’ve tried to be nice. Mommy taught you well. We all know how being nice and polite works for little girls in a world full of devils.
But what if Mommy is the monster? Or Dad? Our pastor? Teacher? Coach?
That monster must be conquered if we wish to be free.
Violence is never the answer. That just makes us the monster. Neither is self-harm. That just makes us the victim, playing out this particular drama, life after life.
What we wish is to be free. Free of fear. Free of the monster.
That only comes through healing.
When we heal ourselves, we can face the person we have once feared — and they crumble at our feet.
The other day, both siblings contacted me. When this happens, I know there is either a serious problem, emergency or a funeral to plan. Otherwise, I happily stay in my bubble and they swirl around in whatever latest drama is being concocted by my dying, sharp-brained father who is one of the most manipulative people I’ve ever met.
He’s a fundamentalist Christian, too.
They needed my help because the issue could have serious ramifications for our family — and I’m the only one who isn’t afraid of my father. He yells and dismisses my siblings, defending his actions, stealing energy all the while. He absolutely loves the drama and trouble he causes. It’s his lifeblood.
Until I call.
Me, the one who lived in terror of him for years. I simply forgot I had a dragon.
I have always been protected.
I used to work at a wellness center and one day, a young guy who studied Tarot with me said, What’s that being of fire behind you?
This is common conversation in woo circles, naturally. I shrugged and said, What does it look like?
He’s enormous. Made of fire and holding a sword behind you.
That’s my protector, I answered.
I have always been protected — but that doesn’t mean I avoided the wounds that life provides. It’s 3D land, after all. I have deeply suffered here.
The person who meted out the most pain to my heart was the same one who received a furious phone call, minutes after my siblings contacted me.
My father doesn’t call me “The Hammer” for nothing — and he’s afraid of me now. I may be a softie but I don’t take shit from anyone, especially him. I made sure to tell him that the nonsense he started needed to immediately stop, or I would put an end to it.
Oh, then I’m going to have to do something in return, he replied.
I laughed. Are you threatening me? What? Going to cut me from the will? I’ve lived X amount of years without your money. And I’ll be sure that everyone in your church knows what you did to me.
That stopped him short. Must suck to know that he can’t yell, punish, hit, threaten or disown me. Nothing he can do can hurt me anymore. Nothing.
The monster capitulated, lying about what was going on.
Stop lying. Stop lying! You are a Christian! I said.
I beg your pardon, he rumbled.
Stop. Lying! I laid out all of the manipulative, duplicitous ways he tells half-truths, the walking epitome of the 7 of Swords. He thinks he can lie to me??
The monster crumbled. Was silent.
And stop stressing out my siblings. You know that you are hurting their health — and I won’t have them die for you. Stop yelling at them — they are grown adults.
My father softened, tried to negotiate and I explained again what would happen if he didn’t. This is a warning, I said. If I hear anything else, I will move forward.
He tried to get mushy at the end. Get on my good side.
I said goodbye and hung up.
Haven’t heard a peep since.
The monster only has so much energy to fight back — and he’d be a fool to take on my dragon. That’s why he goes after weaker prey to continue living, a hungry ghost, an energy vortex that does not care who or what he kills, as long as he continues living.
He’ll never touch my energy again. I’m free.