I didn't want to change but I didn't want to be miserable.
The Faustian bargains we make.
All 100+ posts of The Reluctant Tarot Reader are paywall free to read. To support my writing, become a free or paid subscriber — or buy me a coffee.
I've been absolutely terrified every moment of my life and I've never let it keep me from doing a single thing that I wanted to do. — Georgia O'Keefe
Was it a mistake to leave my successful teaching career?
Last year, I wrote my Regrets post about the choice to stay or leave a teaching career — and it seems that with the turning of the light as we approach August, I have a tendency to look back and say, Did I make the right choice? All these years later, I still feel the inner preparation of teachers once summer starts to wane; it’s ingrained in me.
But yes, I absolutely made the right choice to leave after 5 years. If I had chosen to stay, it would have been a Faustian bargain that would have eventually killed my creative spirit. Most certainly I would have been wealthy with several investments in property and whatnot. I would have had a killer pension and health care. I would have had accolades and climbed the ladder as far as I pleased, as I was already being sent offers from the BOE and invitations from principals for upper-tier positions. I’d be comfortably retired now.
Would I have been happy? No.
Would I have written my books? Probably not.
Would I look back on my success with pride? Maybe — but there would be a great something that ached.
Would I have started a business after I retired? No way!
What is the Devil? The Faustian bargains we make in life.
It’s easy to blame a spirit outside of us for our problems. Satan. Lucifer. The eternal Armageddon. (If you’re interested in how “Satan” was created, an excellent book to read is The Origin of Satan by Elaine Pagels). It’s easy to blame a fallen, sinful world for the mess we find ourselves in.
Not so easy to say, I’m the Devil. I gave into my Luciferian energy. I knew I didn’t want to/shouldn’t have/did it for the money, fame, pleasure, success, etc. I tricked that person. Stole from them. Cut them off. Never apologized. Put myself first for the promotion and trampled them. Projected my fear/anger/terror on an innocent. I stayed in a career I hated and took it out on my family. Chased money, porn and stared at my phone rather than spend time with my kids. I didn’t think I was worthy so I stayed in a mediocre job, rather than reach.
I write this as a compassionate observation, rather than condemnation. Believe me, there have been MANY times I wished I’d stayed in a comfy career. Being an entrepreneur is not an easy life, even after 20 years in the biz. Yet I am so glad that I took the step and thank my brave, younger self for being so courageous even when she was afraid.
We all do this — face choices that are terrifying and risky and of course, most of us will choose the easy route. The one that says, Take this now and we’ll get back to that later (the arts, passion project, vacation, van life, time with kids, the happier relationship, a long retirement. I’ll have the money and health to indulge then.)
Maybe we will. Maybe we won’t.
We may have regrets — but we can choose to stretch.
Stretch into the risky, exciting unknown and say, I may not know what I’m doing — but I’m so glad to still be here. I’m still alive!
Many highly successful people (through the lens of a materialistic world) are terribly unhappy. Yet the adventure of life — whether external or internal — still beckons. It’s still here for us.