How to NOT let go of resentment.
No one taught me this trick.
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Do you prefer to be right or happy? — A Course in Miracles
Resentments love to pop up when I’m feeling good. They hate to miss a party.
“My Anger Wears A Black Hoodie” was one of the most liked essays in my first book, The Reluctant Tarot Reader: Adventures in the Gypsy Trade. Reader after reader would say, That’s me. I have the same anger.
I don’t get angry that much anymore — thank you, life after menopause — but I sure can hold onto resentments. The older, the better. Marinate overnight, take a peek in the bowl in the morning.
Still there? I’d ask.
Yep, Resentment says. I never want you to miss me too much.
What’s wrong with resentment? Nothing, really. It’s part of the spectrum of emotions.
Therapy. Journaling. Writing essays. Speaking with wise friends. Affirmations up and down until tomorrow, yet nothing I practiced helped release resentments, as if they were a wild animal I needed to wrestle to the ground or stomp out the spark before it set off a wildfire.
Anger was the earlier years and yes, I can still get VERY angry if the right thing provokes me — and one would probably then wish to leave the room. However, anger is not clothed in a black hoodie anymore — I’d compare it more to a stormy cloud that is nothing more than a 15 minute threat and simply passes on.
Resentment? That’s the bad one, right? Vice. Sin. Terrible. Not a good look.
The lingerer.
Resentment courses up like a horror dream, one where you can’t unglue your eyes or make your legs move. It’s a stealthy creature but comes with the full understanding that I love the overall movie. The They Done Me Wrong genre.
And many, many people have done me wrong.
This is where I’m supposed to say: But I forgive them.
No.
This is where I’m supposed to say: But I’ve done many, many people wrong, too.
Nope. Not gonna say it.
I allow anger. I allow resentments — every single one.
I have to remind myself to not say MY anger or MY resentment. I do not claim anger or resentment as my own — a powerful hypnosis trick I learned from Marisa Peer about ex-partners/wives/husbands.
I fully acknowledge my rich emotional life, however.
There is only one thing that resolves resentments. Works EVERY time.
Let’s just say I have a list of people in varying degrees of held resentment. Some are present in my life — others long gone. They still live very much in memories and since I have such an active imagination, those memories flow like waves, in and out, the picture clear and bright. For a writer like myself, very compelling. For the woman, not so much.
What to do with those unhappy, unresolved memories?
Well, I could go and confront every single one of those people — and some I have. Except it doesn’t change the memory, even with an apology (and not all give one — so don’t expect it).
In fact, it can often stoke even MORE resentment.
That strategy does not work for my heart or a happy life path. Humans be humaning. Imperfect, proud, irritating humans. Waiting for a golden apology that rarely — or never — comes is a fool’s task.
So, I changed strategy — and this was very recent.
I dissolve the resentment.
Wha? Dissolve? Yes.
The memory comes, often during a very happy moment. Nasty, hurtful, cruel. Dismissive, vicious, unjust. Resentment starts to build under my sternum. Anger sniffs it out, too — Ooh, she says. Can I play?
The things I could have said, Resentment thinks. Imagine if I met them now. I’d slice them to bits. Let them try that move again. On and on and on. How dare they treat me like that! Who do they think they are? Asshole.
Sound familiar? Or perhaps you reside in a mountain cave, chanting for the world?
Notice the language. The memory: old. The conversation: present. Thus I create my reality.
The ONLY thing that works is to say:
The resentment I feel is 100% valid. 100%. I recognize it — and I dissolve all resentment towards _________. Nothing will get in the way of my happiness, even though the resentment I feel is 100% valid.
I used to say, Valid or not — but screw that. All of resentment I feel is valid!
The resentment I feel is 100% valid. 100%. I recognize it — and I dissolve all resentment towards _________. Nothing will get in the way of my happiness, even though the resentment I feel is 100% valid. I deserve to be happy.
I repeat this a few or a hundred times, even if I’m still feeling the feels. Today I did this with someone and then an hour later, noticed I hadn’t thought about them and when I did, it didn’t feel rife with emotion. If it pops up again today, I’ll stop and say,
The resentment I feel is 100% valid. 100%. I recognize it — and I dissolve all resentment towards _________. Nothing will get in the way of my happiness, even though the resentment I feel is 100% valid. I deserve to be happy.
Why does this work? Both sides are happy.
My emotions feel recognized, even the ones once labeled as BAD. The ones I used to stuff down or feel guilt over. I’m not chasing resentment off or throwing holy water at it. Resentment feels heard and acknowledged, while not really understanding that I’m doing reverse psychology (let’s not tell it). The other me — the one that cares more about having a happy, fun and peaceful daily experience — is also acknowledged.
Both are pleased and I move onto the next moment, creating memories right now rather than holding onto the past, which can feel so present — but is not.
I don’t need to chase anyone down. I don’t need to invite them back into my life. I certainly don’t need to speak or interact with them unless it feels right to do so.
Dissolve.
Dissolve.
Dissolve.
The resentment I feel is 100% valid. 100%. I recognize it — and I dissolve all resentment towards _________. Nothing will get in the way of my happiness, even though the resentment I feel is 100% valid.
I deserve to be happy.