Friendship.
The gain. The loss.
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Some of the most painful confessions I’ve heard over the years as a Tarot reader is not the loss of a marriage. Most of the time, their marriage was overcooked, dry and inedible — but my client wasn’t ready to leave the dinner table.
It’s not marriage. It’s the loss of a female friendship.
The reason I don’t believe in the concept of age is that our heart can be broken at any stage of a human journey. The loss of a friendship at 11 hurts just as much as 65, though we have loads more maturity and coping skills to handle the pain.
I’d argue that the breakup of a friendship is as difficult as a divorce, if not more so, as divorce will naturally shift alliances. It’s often betrayal from a female friend that prompts clients to reach out, in the attempts to unravel their confusion. These are women from various ages, relational and economic status, all united in pain.
Questions linger. Why did she leave me? Why do I want to leave? We’ve been lifelong friends. I can’t stand that things are changing in my friend group. Everyone is leaving me. I want it to remain the same. She’s so mean now. Was she always this way? I barely know her anymore. I’ve always felt judged but now realize how much power she had over me. I think she’s attracted to me and I don’t know how to handle it. She’s clingy and needy — it drains me. I’m not her therapist. I can’t stand how my friends keep me in a box. I’m not that person anymore — but they don’t want me to change.
A fantastic marriage will not preserve a friendship that needs to go. Money in the bank won’t keep it there. Taking the same vacation with the same friend group every year will not prevent change. Fights happen. Splits happen. Death happens. Hanging out with people who bore you just to “have friends” — will exact a cost from your precious, limited time.
Yes, your time is precious and limited. The real tick-tock.
The truth is more likely that — deep down — you are ready to move on. Life is a journey of gain. New friends, new places, new script.
It can be brutal to admit that you have grown past a friendship and be tempted to create a drama to force a confrontation. You already know that she will be the one who will play the bad guy. Then it becomes about her and the various ways she wronged you — so you become the one betrayed. Easy out.
We do our power plays, especially those of us who are emotionally immature in relationships.
At times, we are the ones who are left — as she has outgrown us. Life is a journey of loss.
If indeed we are eternal consciousness, then we are not ever really gone from each other. If we go ka-put after we die, then it sucks to be left and people are shits.
Some things I’ve learned about (mostly) female friendship in sessions and my own experience.
There will be times of friendships and times when we are primarily alone. I’m in one of those periods now where my entire friendship group, for the most part, has been wiped clean. This naturally occurs with marriages, dislike of their partner, moves, fights, disagreements, growth and wanting a break. I have a small core of 4-5 friends I’ve had for a decade or more. We cycle in/out of closeness and keep our disagreements, if any, to a minimum. I’m not great at spontaneous communication but my friends know that I’m there for them. At least I hope so!
Being alone is so valuable. It allows time to reevaluate your needs, including the types of friendships that suit you right now. Your married self is not your divorced self — and some friends will find that adjustment too difficult and drop away. Why? You represent freedom and challenge their box.
Some friends will say incredibly hurtful, bizarre things to break the friendship and others will simply ghost you, even after years of friendship. No message, no apology. They either feel guilty, are inherently selfish or just don’t like you anymore. You will never hear from them again. Stop hoping. It’s painful — but you are better off without them.
One of the most powerful gifts for those who fully embrace menopause is that you simply will not put up with the crap you once did, including needy friendships and those careless with your heart. Bye!
That said, it can be very difficult to break from a needy friend whom you love but she drags at your energy. This is VERY common with women. It will challenge every communication skill you have to let them go. Suggest a therapist before you do. You’re better off without them.
You may be more of a loner than you think. How many true-blue friends do you actually need?
What is friendship to you now — versus 5, 14, 25, 33? It’s worth a think.
Sometimes growth only happens in your dust. When a friend is in a marriage that is abusive or rife with addiction, you may need to let her go, especially if you are a rescuer type. She is not going to listen to you — but may remember your words down the road when you are long gone.
New friends — like love relationships — will arrive at the right time. You can still have amazing experiences with “random” conversations, new places and friendly acquaintances. Discover the beauty and generosity of Nature. There’s a whole world waiting for you there. Your pets, too.
The greatest friendship is with yourself. Don’t believe me? Who goes with you when you die?
This subject is an eye opener. I haven’t given it much thought, although as I get older my perspective on a lot of things has definitely changed. I do love myself and look at it as a way of new beginnings in my life whether I have true friends or just female friendships along the way